Richelle Hofer

Embracing the Wisdom of “Let Them”

In a world where it seems like we can’t agree on anything, one truth that I think is universally accepted is that nothing matters more than relationships.

The poem “Let Them” by Cassie Phillips keeps showing up in my Facebook feed. Every time I see it, I read it. And every time I read it, it feels like a gut punch. The bonds that form friendship and family ties are more valuable than any material thing. The act of letting go feels like the most profound contradiction.

That poem resonates deeply with me… it pokes my heart and turns my stomach. I’ve had to do a LOT of “let them” in the last few years. And based on the number of times my Facebook friends have “shared” it, I think it resonates with most of us. It captures the struggle between holding on and giving others the freedom to make their own choices.

The Weight of Investment

I love “Let Them.” I do. But the thing about that poem that bothers me is that it sounds so simple. Two little words, “Let them.” But “let them” is a whole process. It isn’t easy. It’s full of ups and downs, paradox and irony. It’s letting go and then grasping again for control. It’s feeling confident in your decision and then second guessing your every move.

When we build relationships, whether they are friendships, family ties, or romantic partnerships, we pour parts of ourselves into them. We create things together, we share our dreams, our fears, and our vulnerabilities. We invest time and energy and emotion. These connections become so woven into the fabric of our lives that sometimes we feel like they’re a part of who we are. Like, “I’m not me without you.” When the relationship turns toxic, the weight of that investment makes the act of letting go hurt so much. It can feel completely impossible.

The emotions are so heavy and all consuming… betrayal, confusion, and even anger.

The Power of Acceptance

There is power in the act of letting go. In the beginning, letting go feels like losing control. The reality is that you didn’t have control in the first place. Letting go actually lets you gain control. Not over others, but over yourself.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot control how others perceive you or how they choose to act. You might succeed at influencing, but can’t control.

I think this is hard to accept because if you’re like me, you sort of believe that you can control things (including people). I LIKE to think that I’m in control of things. I accidentally think that if I do it all “right” I can prevent bad outcomes.

The danger of this kind of thinking comes out when people in our relationship circle start making bad decisions (like a friend in addiction, a cheating spouse, etc.). It’s hard to accept that the only thing we can control is our own decisions so sometimes we start blaming ourselves for the bad outcome. There’s a difference between assessing how you might be contributing to the problem and blaming yourself. The difference is subtle and yet enormous.

The first step in letting go is accepting this truth: everyone is navigating their own journey. You cannot control other people’s choices. You can only control your own.

Accepting this reality can be so hard. It requires self-reflection (groan) and a willingness to confront our emotions (ugh!).

We have to figure out how to separate our worth from the opinions of others and recognize that their decisions do not define us. This can be a painful process. For me it’s required countless hours of counseling, journaling, reading, etc. It’s hard, but it’s liberating.

Finding Strength in Vulnerability

Letting go is not a sign of weakness; it is an act of incredible strength. It takes so much courage to open your heart to the possibility of loss and yet trust that everything will ultimately work out for the best.

Brene Brown has been incredibly helpful to me as I’ve searched for ways to live a more courageous life. Embracing vulnerability allows us to grow and evolve, and ultimately leads us to new connections that are healthier and more aligned with our true selves.

Letting go creates space for healing. It allows us space to figure out what we truly want and need in our relationships. When we let go of those who misunderstand or accuse us, we free ourselves from the burden of negativity and create the opportunity for more positive and fulfilling connections.

Moving Forward

“Let Them” is a journey. Two simple words that require so much… patience, self-compassion, self-reflection and perseverance.

In the end, letting go doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means embracing the lessons we’ve learned about ourselves. It means honoring the memories while making room for the future.

When faced with the choice to hold on or let go, remember that sometimes, the best gift you can give yourself—and others—is the freedom to “let them” choose their own path.

When their path leads them away from you, it can feel so lonely. When you’re tempted to think that you’re alone on this journey, just remember how many times “Let Them” has been shared on social media. As difficult as it can be, “letting them” walk away can lead to a brighter, more authentic chapter in your life.

There is an army of people out here fighting the same battles you are. You’re not alone.