Richelle Hofer

Embracing Authenticity in a Cruel World

The Desire for Authenticity

Authenticity has been one of my life’s core values. Growing up a pastor’s kid, I saw more than my fair share of “hypocrites” and people passively aggressively pushing their own agenda. For as far back as I can remember I’ve thought that most people are transparent whether they want to be or not. People can see through other people easily enough, so from my vantage point it seemed the only option was to live a life of authenticity. 

The Pursuit of Transparency

As a kid, living in total authenticity wasn’t terribly hard. When I was angry or when I disagreed with a decision, I just let you know it. As I grew into adulthood (where it’s not as acceptable to be “sassy” and it’s harder to figure out how to disagree without being “rude”), I found authenticity more difficult. 

As a kid it seemed like the answer to authenticity was to let your “outsides” show what your “insides” feel. But as you age you realize that if you want to be a productive, accepted member of society, you have to do the much harder work of making your “insides” match your “outsides”. 

When we go through hard stuff, it’s even harder to stay in authenticity. Like everyone, I’ve been through my fair share of hard things in life. I’ve blogged about those things a lot. When we encounter hurt and betrayals it seems easier to bury them inside and just put on a happy face. But that doesn’t work if you want authenticity.

My pursuit of transparency has been expensive. It’s required me to stand up for things when no one stood with me. It’s required me to have hard conversations, read books, journal, go to counseling. I had to labor over forgiveness, work through anger, cry through hurt, expose shame.

I WANT people to be able to see through me. So why did it hurt so much when I found out that someone said (about me) “People will see through her”.

The Vulnerability Paradox

The vulnerability paradox lies in the fact that while we yearn to align our thoughts, actions and attitudes in an effort to be “authentic”, we also fear judgment and rejection. When someone dismisses our efforts, it can trigger feelings of hurt and vulnerability. It can challenge our belief that living transparently is worth the effort. It may even make us question the authenticity of our own journey.

It did for me. When I heard “people will see through her” I immediately questioned everything. Was my life really real? Was I fooling myself? Had all this effort to be transparent been worthless? Was I actually hiding something that I didn’t even see myself?

Nothing throws your world into a tailspin like questioning the essence of who you are.

Understanding Projection

If you understand how frequently people cope by projecting, you would learn to take absolutely nothing personally.

Author Unknown

The truth is, that when someone criticizes our authenticity, it often says more about them than it does about us. Criticisms often stem from the other person’s own insecurities, fear or discomfort.

I have heard it said that “If you understand how frequently people cope by projecting, you would learn to take absolutely nothing personally.” Easy to say, hard to do.

This is why Brenè Brown’s concept of the “seats in the arena” is so powerful. We have to learn to drown out the noise from the “cheap seats”. In her book Rising Strong, Brenè has this to say about cheap seats:

“A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives..”

People that sit in the “cheap seats” of our lives threaten our authenticity with their criticisms. That is definitely what was happening to me. I rehearsed “people will see through her” in my head over and over again. I felt more hurt and disconnected every time I thought of it. 

And then I had that moment of clarity. This comment came from someone that I’ve literally never met in my life. She was definitely sitting in a “cheap seat”. 

The Power of Boundaries

Not everyone will understand or appreciate vulnerability. Not everyone has a front row seat to your life. Not everyone loves you enough to tell you the truth when it hurts. Boundaries have to be drawn. You have to assign seats. 

People in the cheap seats will either hurl insults or tell you what you want to hear. Both are dangerous – trust me, I’ve learned both lessons the hard way. We have to figure out what seats people are sitting in in our lives. Draw the boundary. Assign the seats.

The feedback we need to take to heart is the feedback from our Square Squad. They are the people who love you enough to be honest with you. Like a coaching team in a boxing match they help you see your flaws, help you mend your wounds, and encourage you to get back in the ring when you feel like all of your fight is gone. 

Authenticity and transparency take an immense amount of courage, self reflection, vulnerability. You have to be open to hard feedback, but you have to be careful who you take the feedback from. 

Feedback from the “cheap seats” can hurt. And we can’t avoid hearing it. But if you’ve made the proper seat assignments, you can quickly identify if the feedback should be discarded or taken to heart.

Stay leaned into authenticity. Dare to be transparent. Get back in the ring.