Richelle Hofer

I have been married for twenty years this year. TWENTY YEARS! It sounds weird to my ears every time I say it. How could it be possible?!

I am the most happily married woman you will find, but I often joke “We’ve been married twenty years and it’s been 11 of the happiest years of my life.” The truth is, that isn’t just a joke! I think anyone who’s been married any length of time will testify that marriage is hard. It takes work!

In honor of Valentines Day, after 11 years of wedded bliss and 9 years of barely hanging on, I thought I’d share my tips to a long lasting and fulfilling marriage:

I feel like it’s really important to say that if you’re married to someone who is abusive (in any way), my marriage advice is not for you. Seek professional help immediately. Safety first. Christian counseling second.

These are my own opinions based on my own life experiences. I am not a professional.

With that out of the way, we’ll get right to it.

NUMBER ONE: EXPECT IT TO BE HARD

Marriage is hard. It is work. Love is a decision. I remember when I was young, I recoiled at statements like this. It didn’t fit my idea of a romantic love… one that came easy and made me happy all the time. This is precisely the reason, in my opinion that so many marriages fail. Disney movies, romance novels, fairytales… none of those things show the work of a relationship.

Marriage is the union of two imperfect people, neither of whom like to think of themselves as imperfect… and that is why it’s hard.

Marriage involves emotions which can be unpredictable and irrational… and that is why it’s hard.

Marriage requires people to clearly communicate complicated concepts in ways that other people can understand… and that is why it’s hard. 

NUMBER TWO: IT’S NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU

One of the first and hardest lessons that I had to learn is: IT’S NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU. We are very self-absorbed as humans in general. We get very wrapped up in our feelings and we turn inward. One of the best movies I ever watched was called “Fireproof”. In the movie the husband and wife are destine for divorce. The husband ends up reading a book called the “Love Dare” where he is challenged each day to do something for his wife… whether she notices or cares or not… make her coffee, buy her a gift, etc. etc.

I remember that I watched that movie at a very broken time in my marriage. I was sad and terribly lonely. I felt rejected and hurt and uncared for. I thought “I wish that JR would do that for me. That would change our marriage”. In that moment I felt like God himself said to me “you’re missing the whole point Richelle… it’s about selfless acts for the OTHER person.”

And so I bought the book and even though I felt so broken and resentful, I didn’t want to do it, and I felt like I’d already given enough, I took the “Love Dare”. It changed my marriage because it taught me how to serve my husband even from a place of hurt… it taught me that it’s not always all about me. It taught me that love really is a decision… 

NUMBER THREE: STAY

Stay.

Don’t leave.

Don’t threaten to leave.

Don’t think about leaving.

Don’t talk about leaving.

Stay. Stay and do the hard work.

Stay and have the tough conversations.

Take a break. Take a walk, but don’t leave. 

(Unless you’re in danger. If you’re in danger or being abused, seek help immediately)

NUMBER FOUR: STATE OF THE UNION MEETINGS

About 7 years ago my husband quit work to become a stay-at-home dad. One of the things that we implemented during that transition was “The State of the Union”.

It was a quarterly conversation where we specifically sat down and talked about what was working well and what wasn’t working well.

We each had a notebook and we wrote things down there. Then we went out for supper, brought our notebooks and had the conversations in a very business meeting-type fashion.

This was a LIFE SAVER. It helped me in so many ways. For one thing, we both knew that we were going to talk about some things that were bothering us, so we were in the right mental frame to have the conversations.

We always started with the “what’s going well” part so the conversation started on a positive note. Then we moved in to things that we thought weren’t working well. Then we made our action plans and wrote down commitments of things we were going to work on. It was a very effective way to have these discussions.

It also helped me avoid “in the heat of the moment” arguments because I would just think to myself “I’ll write that down in my notebook to discuss at the state of the union”. I also found it interesting that writing it down, naming it, helped it not feel as big of a deal… sometimes it felt like lots of things were wrong but when I would go to write it down, it often just boiled down to a couple of things… and sometimes they were already in my notebook.

The “State of the Union” was the best thing we ever implemented for MY personality type. I would strongly encourage other (especially young) couples to adopt something similar.

NUMBER FIVE: BUILD TRUST 

Trust is built in small moments. Trust comes from saying to each other “I care about you so much that I won’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or could possibly compromise our relationship” and then making good on it.

If you are doing something that could make the other person jealous, just knock it off… I don’t care if you think it’s warranted or if you think it’s innocent… if it bothers your partner, quit. Period. 

NUMBER SIX: START AND END YOUR DAY TOGETHER

We always go to bed together. I wait up for him or he waits up for me. It’s a little thing, but it matters to us. I think it’s easier to feel disconnected from each other if you don’t start and end your days together. We always say good-bye before we leave, even if it’s really early in the morning and it wakes the other person up. 

NUMBER SEVEN: THE STORY YOU TELL YOURSELF 

Recently I attended a seminar by Brene Brown (I know you’re shocked). She is a psychological researcher and she taught us that in the absence of facts, our minds make up stories… our minds want to connect the dots and line things up in a way that makes sense… and our brains reward us with dopamine when we figure things out.

This is just human nature… but it’s also very dangerous to relationships. We have to carefully recognize when we’re missing facts and making up stories. She encourages us to then go to the person and say (for instance) “When you leave your socks on the floor after I have repeated asked you to put them in the hamper, the story I tell myself is that you don’t recognize the work that I do around here.”

That phrase “the story I tell myself is…” lets the other person know in a non-threatening way, how what they’re doing makes you feel. It also offers them the opportunity to correct the story that you’re telling yourself with actual facts. This has been a great tool for our marriage.

NUMBER EIGHT: BE GRATEFUL

Any time I feel myself “disconnecting” from JR, I write down the things that I’m thankful for. Sometimes I think it’s going to be hard to come up with something, but it never actually is. I might have to start with obvious things… or go way back in my mind, but once I get going I gain great perspective. It also helps to keep them in a notebook. Then if you’re really having a hard time you can read back on some things you’ve written down in the past. This really helps reframe things for me. Remember, you find what you’re looking for. 

NUMBER NINE: FRAGILE! HANDLE WITH CARE

Last, but not least, people and relationships are fragile. You have to constantly treat them carefully and constantly care for them. I’ve seen many good people in good relationships end up broken. Even after many successful years, marriages can still fail. Don’t take it for granted… ever.